A little over 6 years ago I was walking down the wrong path in life. Somewhere before that I had taken a wrong turn…or 10 and ended up in a dark place. Zach and I had created an unhealthy relationship, I was still trying to figure out the whole mom thing, I dropped out of college and was working two part time jobs with no clear direction of what or where I wanted to be.
I would sit up at night a pray and feel no connection at all to God, I would try to read the bible but honestly nothing I read made any sence to me. I believed in God but had no real relationship with him. I desperately wanted him to answer my cries.
After years of struggling I finally made a healthy choice and sought out a Christian counselor. Once a week we would meet ; at first it was extremely painful for me to open up because I had suppressed my emotional pain for years. But, with each new visit I became more comfortable. One day I told her that I would pray to God daily but I felt there was this huge wall between him and I. The wall must be some kind of punishment for all the poor choices in life I’ve made I told her. After some talking I realized that it wasnt God that built this “wall” as a punishment to keep me away but it was actually me who put up the “wall.” I was convinced that because I didn’t live a cookie cutter Christian life style that I was not worthy of a relationship with God. It was a lie the enemy had told me and I fell victim to it for years.
Well, the great thing about walls is that they can be knocked down a whole lot quicker than they are built. That day my counselor prayed with me and asked God to knock down the walls that I had built around my heart. Later that week I lost the job that had been the majority of my income. I hung up the phone, and began to walk down the stairs. I hit the floor about half way down and began to pray out loud. I told God that I had tried everything and that I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore and I handed it all over to him, all of the pain I had been holding on too, all of the lies I believed about myself, everything.
That is the day I found God’s grace. That is the day that changed my life forever.
“He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains” – Psalm 107:14
Sitting on the staircase (how symbolic) that day was the first step in my walk with God. I was no longer walking alone, I had my heavenly Father right beside me so whom shall I fear!
“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress” Psalm 107:13
Since then God has opened so many doors in my life and also closed the doors on the lies I once believed true. That doesn’t mean that I havent faced difficulty in the past 6 years. I mean, what would I blog about if my life was totally perfect ;). It just simply means that I no longer face hard times alone. I can say with absolute confidants that if I had not given my life back to God 6 years ago I would not be the person who is before you today.
Taking that first step of faith and contacting a counselor was the best decision I’ve ever made. Mental health is not something that should be put off for a later time. DO NOT ever feel ashamed for seeking help.
Is God asking you to take a leap of faith? DO IT!!!! I’m the friend your mom warned you about….JUMP! Not, off a bridge!!!! But, into your walk with God. You have absolutely nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.
If you are looking for a beautiful light read that I felt great connection too while writing this post; check out Psalm 107. It took my breath away!