This year I did not make a resolution. Instead I made a quest. I have always had an urge in my heart to run. I’ve never felt content. I’m always searching for the next big change. Living with this urge I have often thought that something was wrong with me, I always felt I was running from something but could never figure out what.
I tried to fight the feeling by creating the common “American family” husband, wife, two kids and some pets. I pack school lunches, and even make Zach’s lunch (some days). We have routines and bed times. We sit down for family dinners around the table and Zach goes to work while I maintain the home. I’m very blessed and very grateful for my life but I quickly realised our family didn’t fit the typical “Jones family” mold. I was left feeling empty and then I discovered what I was running from all along; a fear of my own desires. They are not common, they are different and I have always feared what would happen or what people would think. Then I remembered this verse.
” Before you were born I set you apart” Jeremiah 1:5
God placed this desire on my heart, He set me apart He made me different. I crave simplicity and I hold no attachment to “things” I often daydream about selling all our belongings and traveling the world. I have a serious “Travelocity” addiction and no lie visit the site multiple times a day looking for our next adventure. I keep a journal and in the back I have a list of all the places we want to go. I crave the naturalness of this earth, I find simplicity and raw beauty in all Gods creations.
“my heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run”
With routine comes stability or at least that what I thought. But what I learned in 2017 is that I do not need stability in routine to be happy. I need stability of my mind, I need stability in my heart, I need stability in my walk with God. I was searching in all the wrong places. I looked for it in routine, I looked for it in my husband, I tried to create it for my kids and all along I was running from the desires God placed on my heart.
I do not know where we are going, but I know God is leading me on the path he has created for me.
All I do know is that I want my children to grow up holding value in memories rather than objects. I want them to see how simple life is meant to be. I want them to learn how to be stable in their own thinking rather than relying on people or things. I want them to gain world experience in addition to what a school system deems important. I do not want their minds contained to one approach of learning and contained within 4 brick walls. I want them to learn more, compassion, humility, and self-reliance I want them to live, see the world, find themselves and be ok being on their own. I want them to have strong faith, a mind full of hope and a heart bursting with love. I want to teach them its ok to make mistakes as long as you seek God’s forgiveness after and accept his mercy whole-heartedly. I want them to be confident in who He created them to be.
This year I’m on a quest to follow what God has placed on my heart. I’m going to make mistakes, there is going to be hard days but I’m going to make it and the destination will be more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
This year I will find myself again so I can be the best for them.
lots of love